I take drugs. Lots, and lots of drugs. More drugs than I ever thought possible.
I never knew there were so many types, colours, shapes, sizes. If I were that way inclined, my medicine drawer would be a veritable candy shop.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t take drugs by choice, and neither am I dependent. Far from it. I may have dabbled with a few naughty substances in my wild and untamed youth but never to any worrying extent, and those days were left behind long ago. These days, I make sure my Dr’s change my prescriptions every few months to avoid any long term dependence – and I’d give anything to be drug free. I’d happily never pop another pill, slap on another patch, have another injection.
Unfortunately thats not going to happen quite yet.
Since I was hit by the nasty hit and run driver 5 years ago, I have been prescribed ridiculously vast amounts of medication to treat the pain, to wake me up, to get me to sleep again. On a daily basis I take varying combinations of opiates, anti-inflammateries, analgesics, antianxiety drugs, antidepressants, muscle relaxants, benzodiazepines and then more to stop all of those killing my liver. I take so many pills I should rattle – or make some money opening my own chemist.
I was sorting out my medicine box yesterday and realised just how sad it is that over five years later, my quality of life is still governed by what tablet I take, when. There are times I can’t finish a sentence, or remember what I was doing, or can hardly wake up. On some days I still take over 20 pills, and yet something, somewhere still hurts.
I know I’m lucky. I know it could be worse and I’m eternally grateful its not. But I do have days I wish it was different, I have days when I just want it all to stop, I want to go back, I wish it wasn’t happening. But it isn’t, it doesn’t, I can’t, it is.
So these are the cards I’ve been dealt. I will play them the best way I know, hope that one day I’ll win…and enjoy the game as best I can along the way!
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Arial, 2 years ago
LL, I’m so sorry to hear about what happened and I wish there was something I could do to help you through this rotten season in your life. From my place in the world, I send you positive energy and prayers for a full recovery and healing. Not sure if you’ve ever seen the movie “The Secret” but they have medical testimonials showing how you can prove the doctors wrong and make your life better. Check it out. It’s worth viewing. I’ve had some miracles in my life, so I know first-hand they happen and there’s hope.
With all my heart,
Arial
This Little Lady, 2 years ago
Thank you so much for such a kind response…means a lot. I will definitely look into that movie. Sending you love and light from across the ocean!